I’ve been Christian for as long as I can remember.  It wasn’t pushed on me, it was just part of my DNA like blondish hair, big feet….heart tuned to God.  So my testimony isn’t a dramatic one.  It’s more constant, like the ocean – tide in, tide out, things changing but slowly under the surface, over time.

God has reintroduced Himself to me many times over my life, like the night becoming dawn, I’m seeing Him clearer and in new ways as time goes by.  Over the last few years a bigger shift has taken place, He’s begun to introduce me to one of His creations that was hidden… me.

When my kids got beyond the toddler stage, I was restless and a little lost as to who I was anymore. So, I built myself up into someone to be proud of;  volunteer EMT, kids gymnastics coach, CrossFitter and CF Kids Trainer, homeschooling mom and/or assistant teacher at the kids’ school and bookkeeper for the hubby’s business.  I felt great!

There’s a reason this is a cartoon and not an actual photo. It’s called reality. And it isn’t this pretty.

Except for being exhausted and too busy to enjoy the blessings I have.  Except for feeling like I still didn’t know what my purpose was.  I was digging fast, trying to fill the hole but sinking deeper.  Why was I here? Why had I been created? I prayed a lot, and heard God a little.  I tweaked this and that in the schedule trying to find balance. A visual of where I was would look like this; God knocking at the door and me calling over my shoulder, “Ya, okay, I’ll get there in a minute. I’m too busy  right now.”  As soon as I fixed everything, then I’d get to God.  He’d be sooooo impressed.

Uggh.

I was getting physically run down, but I could deal with it.  Till I couldn’t.  One day I sneezed and it dropped me. My leg was on fire, caused by a ruptured disc requiring surgery.  The long and short of it was it took me several months to, one by one, drop all the commitments that I could no longer physically do, all the things that I thought made me special.  God was walking me through every step (Maybe pulling is a better verb, because I was holding on with a death grip.) A forced ‘dying to self’ that I’m thankful for now, but was terrifying at the time.  The Lord gave me strength to obey, so I did.  I surrendered.  In grief I cried out in prayer to Him, “If I give it all up, then what’s left of me? Who am I?  His answer was swift and simple.  “Mine.”

So began a new phase of life.  God steadily revealing the being He created me to be.  What’s amazing is I like her better.  I’d created a shadow of this being in my old life, there were parts of what I did that seemed right because they were so closely aligned with who I truly am.  Coaching, for instance.  I love working with young women; getting to know them, sharing in their joys, heart breaking for them in their struggle to grow.  In emergency medical work I found satisfaction by helping people who were hurt and scared and realized  I can be calm in chaos.  I wasn’t wrong in the choices I’d made before, but I was walking in the shadow-lands, grasping for what ‘felt’ right.  That old life looked good, but it wasn’t living in the light, I was stumbling around in the dark trying to find myself.

Grasping, struggling, striving. Finding a modicum of worldly success, but inside knowing something was missing, I didn’t know my purpose.  I didn’t know how my spiritual life could feed my daily life.  They were like two separate entities that, while not really at odds, didn’t really mesh well either.

So then, God.

Over time (which isn’t over) and a process of God revealing parts of myself I’d rather keep hidden – myself having a little pityparty/toddlerfit over it but eventually repenting, laying it down then wishing I’d have done that years ago because I felt so much better….

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2

His faithfulness is unending, His love for us, amazing.  He has kept His promises to me, His mercy never failing.  His work in me isn’t done yet.

Lately, God has begun to show me what work He will accomplish through me.  I cannot express how exciting that is.  The God who created the UNIVERSE intends to use me to do His work.  This is so much better than anything I’d created in the shadow life.  Looking back, I’ve realized that that life was all about glorifying myself.  I imagined I’d do great works, then say how I couldn’t have done it without the Lord…. bonus points because I’d be amazing AND humble.  Ew.  False humility. It was all about me.

So what does giving yourself up and letting go of your own will; what does the dying to self get you?

A purpose.  Surrendering to God gets you a job, a life in Christ.  A place where your spiritual life and daily life are woven together, all for the glory of God.  And it’s awesome.  Because we serve an awesome God who loves you, me, all of us more than we can comprehend.

Best. Boss. Ever

So now in my daily life when an opportunity comes up, I have a way to decide (instead of saying “Ummmm,” until the choice are made for me.) Does it serve God’s purpose for me? Yes? Wahoo! No? Alrighty then, my time is best used elsewhere.  It is such a relief to have that filter.

My job as wife and mom are the same, but now, knowing (more about) why I’m here, I can serve that purpose as opportunity presents.  Now that I know (more about) who I am, I’m not scared that the mom life is ALL I am; and I can be wife and mom joyfully, free from the fear of being lost in the laundry.

You do have a purpose.  A bigger reason for being here than getting your chores done everyday.  I know sometimes it feels like you’re drowning in a sea of confusion, but there is hope.  God knows you, He created you, go to Him to find rest. Let it all out to Him.  Prayers don’t have to be pretty, but they do need to be honest.  Don’t wait until you have it all together to draw near to God, it just won’t happen.  Go now.  With all your brokenness and confusion and hurt.  Go now.