In Junior High English class something started to click for me. It was the first time I was able to write about what I thought and felt. Whether it was the first time I was asked or just the first time I was able to process my inner being onto paper I’m not sure, but it grabbed me and never let go. Since then, praying and writing nearly always coincide, when I am praying my fingers twitch for a pen and paper, when I need to write, my spirit quickens in prayer. I’ve always loved music, it’s been a source of peace and joy for me. And now writing my own music is a big part of the mix. It’s the culmination of all three; rejoicing in the glory of God and the beauty in His creation. God will give you the desires of your heart, even when you don’t know what they are.
My brain is weird, but I wouldn’t really have it any other way. I used to wish I were ‘normal,’ until I met my youngest daughter, whose unconventional thinking keeps us laughing. I love her just how she is and now I can love myself a little better too. I was just thinking about how a lot of my fear comes from feeling like I’m not enough; not good enough not smart enough…and Stuart Smalley (an old SNL character) popped into my mind, looking into the mirror for his daily affirmations, “I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”
Photo by Lori Jensen
I wish it were that easy to change your mindset into unwavering positivity. For me it seems the closer I get to doing something real, something important, the louder the voices of doubt and destruction get. They feel like the truth. I’m not good enough for the task at hand. I’m not smart enough to foresee what happens next. But here’s the thing- I can’t let it stop me this time. I have work to do, and a purpose to fulfill and God’s strength is shown in my weakness. It’s not by the power of creation, it’s by the Creator. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the Giver. If I were good enough, my name would be God, but I’m not and it’s not. I’m just Laura.
Laura is not perfect. Ever. The shadow of a sinful nature is attached at my heels and I can’t run fast enough or hide well enough to escape it. I can sit in darkness and not notice that it is still there, but come morning I see it again. This shadow whispers in my ear as I face the light, spreading doubts, reminding me of my weakness, of its presence. But the light- the light draws me, so the shadow gets darker, louder, more insistent- demanding attention. Should I turn to focus on the shadow, or believe in the power of the light? Today I’ll choose the light. I’ll run headlong into it, and someday…
Someday- I’ll be fully immersed in light, and the shadow will be no more.