Of all I’ve been writing and sharing, by far the posts with the biggest impact are the ones I haven’t wanted to share.  The ones that reveal too much, parts of me that my ego would rather keep hidden.  My need to hide the ugly and reveal the pretty is in direct conflict with the desire to be a witness to Christ’s love and grace; because He came for a reason, and it isn’t because we’re all ok.

Until recently, I didn’t think God would want me to develop my writing or music. Since I know part of my nature wants to glorify myself, I assumed I shouldn’t do anything to attract attention. Since both writing and music are meant to be  shared, that left me with no recourse. The enemy had me hamstrung.  Convinced I should avoid circumstances that could trip me up, I was unable to move effectively.

He showed me a picture of myself like this. I was standing at the edge of a swamp, needing to get to the other side but not wanting to get dirty. I decided to try to walk around the edge, slowly and carefully and keeping myself pristine. The Lord was with me and, thinking that I was avoiding a trap, I proudly stated, “Look, I’m taking the long way around so that I won’t make a mess, so I’ll stay clean.” He, with the patience and love I’ve come to know from Him, smiled, held my hand and marched me straight into the mud. Shocked, I sputtered out, “But I had it figured out! I wasn’t going to get dirty!” and He revealed to me what I had actually looked like before, standing on the shore. Grubby. A giant mess but blinded to my own self. I’d been holding on to a pretty little lie. Humbled, I turned and walked with Him. As we walked, I noticed that each part of myself I surrendered to Him came back clean. He wasn’t pushing me into the dirt so that I would be humbled, He was walking with me, though I was already dirty, and piece by piece washing me clean.

Though I  had already been saved, this was different, this was being in relationship with God Himself, this was sanctification. Christ is with me and exposes within me my heart’s intent, my hidden nature, not for the purpose of shaming me, but to shed light- wash me clean- set me free. He has no part in my sin, but He isn’t afraid of it either.  He already knows it, has fought and achieved victory over it- but He needs me to see and reject it to make His victory alive in me.

My own issue is wanting recognition for myself.  It’s my ego.  At the root, it’s not believing that I am loved just as I am, that I am enough.  Self wants to build itself up to feel worthy and evolves into pride.  We’re told we need self esteem, self confidence; that’s a lie.  We need Christ in us growing and working and given authority to move.  We don’t need to feel good about ourselves; we need to feel good about the work Christ is doing in us.

Sin is part of your nature.  Even if you do nothing more than sit in a church pew singing hymns all day- yep, you still have a sinful nature.  So hiding that nature under a covering of religious or moral acts or the frozen ‘don’t do anything so you can’t mess up’ act of inactivity, doesn’t help you out at all. Following God into the swamp even when you know its going to be messy and hard and test all your weakest points past your strength is scary.  Good.  Harder than we can handle is where God needs us, to be able to work in us and through us. It’s when we are aware of our base nature that we are humble enough to see our need for God- that we hop off the throne and let Him work as the authority in our lives.  And that is when all the good stuff happens, that’s the place in which we can be confident, that is where we are the most useful and satisfied in this life.

So here I am, in the swamp.  Writing and sharing out loud but with an internal tension that keeps me close to Christ as I go.  Because now I’ve seen myself, and I know I could blow it and get caught up in pleasing the world. I know if left to my own devices I will get lost out here.  But I’ve also seen God, and He is good.  When I fall He catches me, when I fail He sets things right, when I’m lost I can be sure He knows the way.

“For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy.

  My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.” Psalm 63:7-8