I’ve been praying for the last year or so that God would show me what He wants me to do. What His plans for me are, the actual physical steps I need to do to manifest His work here on earth. I don’t want to be so caught up in the day to day work that I ignore the spiritual work.

Because of the incessant busyness of life, the middle of the night seems to be a time when God can easily get through all the distractions and literally (and figuratively) wake me up. One of those nights, a few months ago, I woke up abruptly after a strange dream. I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to pray. As I was praying, I felt God ask if I thought I was ready to do the work He has for me even if it required suffering. I was sure I would. I was feeling the adrenaline pump of being called to action and stepped out of bed to get a drink. As soon as my feet hit the cold floor I was inwardly cringing and whiny and just wanted to get back under the warm covers of my bed. Have you ever felt the Holy Spirit go, “Ahem?” Yeah. Reality check. I felt Him ask again, “Would you choose what is good over what is comfortable?” I’d just thrown a fit over 30 seconds of chilly toes. So probably not.

I realized I had the choice to pray for what is good, even if it hurts, or not. I’d like to say I immediately prayed for good, but I hesitated. It was the Holy Spirit I was talking to, who demands sincerity, and I could feel the weight of what that prayer might mean. Snug in my bed once again, all I could imagine was all of the things I might have to give up in order for the Lord to fulfill that prayer. My husband is working on starting a new business, what if ‘good>comfort’ means it doesn’t pan out? What if chilly toes are nothing compared with losing our house? What if ‘good>comfort’ means my kids have to struggle. Honestly, we all know dealing with hard stuff is where God’s love shines brightest and feels closest, but none of us want our kids (or ourselves) to have to go through hard times. It’s counterintuitive. So I hesitate to pray, because I really like my comfy cozy life. And just like that, an idol is exposed in my heart.

I know God is good and wants good for my husband, my kids, and for me. It should have been an easy prayer. Instead, I realized I’m terrified of things being hard. Only in the dark of night could I admit to being such a wimp. But that was the truth of it. So I did what He’s taught me to when I know what I need to pray for but can’t seem to do it. I pray for God to work in me, to change my desires, to make me want good over comfort. To be content with literal (but never figurative) cold feet over a warm bed. To be willing to let go of that which will tarnish and fade away and instead hold tight to that which is eternal. I’ve been praying it ever since. God does change your heart- your mind, your emotions, and your will- over time and for His purpose. He’s rooting out the idolatry in me. Now, I can (usually) pray for good over comfort with my whole heart. And if I can’t, then it shows me where I need repentance and prayer. His work in me isn’t done, but I can see progress. I still don’t know where this prayer will lead, but I know God is faithful and will see it, my family, and I through.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2